Age related illnesses often cause parents to depend on their children for care. Roles become reversed. This is a confusing time to shift orientation from the self sufficient parent who guided and supported their children, to a parent who is dependent and needy.
Adults are faced with uncertainty on how to relate to their aging parents. Feelings of guilt, regret, and incompetence accompany the role reversal. No matter how much the adult is compelled by love, decency and gratitude for their parents, it feels strange to become the caregiver.
Adults of aging parents are often in the stage of their life that is incredibly demanding. They are working long hours and caring for their own offspring. How do they add another time consuming role of caregiving for their own parents? The response we frequently hear is “You do what you have to do.” They squeeze in the time to try to do it all.
There are only 24 hours in a day, so something has to give when dividing time between work, spouse, parents and children. Activities which support well being such as hobbies, fitness activities and socializing are let go. Despite cutting back on time for themselves, there is still not enough time in the day. Adults doubt their effectiveness on the job, in their marriage, at caregiving and parenting.
We offer these tips to those who feel overwhelmed when caring for their parents while managing all of the other responsibilities of their current roles:
- Acknowledge your feelings, then move on. You may have regrets that you didn’t do enough for your parents, spouse and children. If you realize that no one can please everybody all the time, you might just give yourself a well-deserved break.
- Slow down and take a breath. Breathing will calm you down and improve your ability to think with a clear head.
- Let go of the notion that no one can do it as well as you. Let others help when offered. Ask for help when needed. Allow your children to help their grandparents within their abilities.
- Explore opportunities for respite. There are home health agencies which offer respite services on an hourly basis, and many assisted living communities will provide care for several days/weeks. If there is no money to pay for respite, ask another family member or trusted friend to give you a break.
- Realize that you are not alone. Confide in your friends and clergy about your doubts and fears.
Caring for others without short-changing yourself can be tremendously rewarding. It is the greatest honor to help those whom you love.