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Reversing Roles between Parent and Child

Age related illnesses often cause parents to depend on their children for care. Roles become reversed. This is a confusing time to shift orientation from the self sufficient parent who guided and supported their children, to a parent who is dependent and needy.

Adults are faced with uncertainty on how to relate to their aging parents. Feelings of guilt, regret, and incompetence accompany the role reversal. No matter how much the adult is compelled by love, decency and gratitude for their parents, it feels strange to  become the caregiver.

Adults of aging parents are often in the stage of their life that is incredibly demanding. They are working long hours and caring for their own offspring. How do they add another time consuming role of caregiving for their own parents? The response we frequently hear is “You do what you have to do.” They squeeze in the time to try to do it all.

There are only 24 hours in a day, so something has to give when dividing time between work, spouse, parents and children. Activities which support well being such as hobbies, fitness activities and socializing are let go. Despite cutting back on time for themselves, there is still not enough time in the day. Adults doubt their effectiveness on the job, in their marriage, at caregiving and parenting.

We offer these tips to those who feel overwhelmed when caring for their parents while managing all of the other responsibilities of their current roles:

  • Acknowledge your feelings, then move on. You may have regrets that you didn’t do enough for your parents, spouse and children. If you realize that no one can please everybody all the time, you might just give yourself a well-deserved break.
  •  Slow down and take a breath. Breathing will calm you down and improve your ability to think with a clear head.
  •  Let go of the notion that no one can do it as well as you. Let others help when offered. Ask for help when needed. Allow your children to help their grandparents within their abilities.
  •  Explore opportunities for respite. There are home health agencies which offer respite services on an hourly basis, and many assisted living communities will provide care for several days/weeks. If there is no money to pay for respite, ask another family member or trusted friend to give you a break.
  •  Realize that you are not alone. Confide in your friends and clergy about your doubts and fears.

Caring for others without short-changing yourself can be tremendously rewarding. It is the greatest honor to help those whom you love.

 
 

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Breaking the News

Breaking the news to a parent that it is time to move from their home into an assisted living facility is one of the most difficult tasks according to most of the families we meet. While some individuals welcome the benefits of living into a senior community, many fear their loss of independence and are not ready to face their inability to care for themselves. We have seen many approaches, and just as individual personalities and situations vary, so do the successful ways in breaking the news.

It is helpful to bring up the idea on several occasions. Mom or Dad will likely resist at the first mention of assisted living, but may warm up to the thought over time. We recommend that you do some research before bringing up the subject. Pre-screen a few communities you think would fit Mom or Dad’s needs. Then, talk to them about their preferences for living arrangements and explore options together. Most communities have web sites where you can take a “virtual tour.” Check out the community’s reputation with their licensing agency, the local Ombudsman’s office and the Alzheimer’s Association. Once you have selected a few, make an appointment for a tour and bring your parent with you. By encouraging their participation, they will become more invested in the idea. Once your parent learns about their living arrangements, activities and comforts of care, they may look forward to moving.

Decorate their new room or apartment before the move. Many communities will encourage bringing bedding, furniture, pictures, and memorabilia. Familiar belongings will trigger feelings of comfort and security. Do not bring valuables or items that you won’t mind getting misplaced or damaged.

Perhaps your parent is very stubborn and absolutely refuses to talk about the idea of moving into assisted living. The idea may become more acceptable if it is based on the recommendation of a trusted doctor. Further, constantly reassure your parent that you and other family members will remain involved in their life, and follow through on that promise.

We definitely do not recommend dropping off them for “lunch,” moving their belongings into their bedroom while they are dining and making a quick get-away. We have witnessed this approach and it always results in a great deal of emotional trauma. Residents of assisted living facilities do not give up their personal rights, and cannot be prevented from leaving if they absolutely refuse to stay there.

Respite care is an option to temporarily try assisted living. Just as a daunting task can be more manageable by breaking it down into smaller steps, respite care allows an individual to stay for a few days, or up to a month, to see if it is the right environment. In our experience, many residents want to stay longer, once they get settled in.

In other cases, the individual’s impaired mental capacity prevents them from being actively involved in the decision making. Many of the same recommendations apply for those with dementia, plus:

  • Carefully research communities and select one which has a dementia program.
  • Speak with the staff about your parent’s background and any special needs.
  • Make the move during their best time of day when they are calmest.
  • Stay positive – your attitude is infectious. Do not communicate any feelings of guilt or anxiety.
  • Provide constant reassurance that Mom or Dad is in a safe place.

 

 

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The difference between Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia

There are many misconceptions about Alzheimer’s Disease (AD) and dementia. Dementia is actually a set of symptoms which arises from a number of conditions or diseases. AD is one of those diseases. In fact, it is the most common cause of dementia . Other diseases include vascular dementia, Parkinson’s Disease, Lewy Body and Pick’s Disease. Brain disorders such as Huntington’s Disease and AIDS can also result in dementia. The diseases are degenerative, meaning the symptoms will get worse over time.

Some causes of dementia are reversible. Reactions to prescription medications, chronic alcohol abuse, thyroid conditions, vitamin deficiencies, brain tumors or water on the brain (hydrocephalus) when successfully treated, can result in the return of brain function.

Dementia symptoms involve more than just difficulty remembering things. The symptoms have to be strong enough to get in the way of accomplishing normal daily tasks. Memory loss, a short attention span, inability to plan or follow a sequence of instructions, finding the right words, and personality changes are just some of the problems faced by a person with dementia. The symptoms cause a change in the person’s abilities compared to what they could do befor.

When a doctor diagnoses a person with AD, it means that the person’s symptoms and test results show that it is highly likely the brain will show the pathological features (plaques and tangles) of AD.

There is no cure for AD, but treatment of the disease and the symptoms of dementia are advancing over time. It is important to consult a physician as early as possible if there a suspicion that a change in the ability to think and recall are getting in the way of handling demands of everyday living. Medications such as the Exelon patch, Namenda and Aricept can be prescribed to slow the progression of the disease.

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Forgetfulness vs. Memory Loss

Dementia is a growing disease among our elderly population. Most of us know someone who has dementia or is dealing with a loved one afflicted by the disease. It is natural to be concerned when you can’t recall a name or misplace something important.

It is scary to think about the possibility that dementia could happen to you.

There is a difference between forgetfulness and memory loss. You probably forgot to do things and misplaced your stuff when you were younger and didn’t think much about the implications.  As you get older, it may be hard to tell if moments of forgetfulness are normal and simply inconvenient, or the start of something more serious.

When forgetfulness becomes consistent and produces strange things, it may be time to talk to your doctor. Here are some examples:

  • Losing your keys is OK. Finding your keys and not knowing its function is not.
  • Putting your hairbrush in the second drawer of your vanity instead of the top drawer is OK. Putting your hairbrush in the freezer  is not.
  • Getting lost in a new town or place is OK. Getting lost in your own neighborhood  is not.
  • Forgetting the name of an acquaintance you rarely see is OK. Forgetting the name of one your children is not.

Your doctor can do an assessment and involve specialists to make an informed diagnosis. If you do have memory loss, your doctor can determine the cause of your memory loss. Some causes are reversible (side effects of medications, poor nutrition, alcohol abuse, stress, anxiety, depression and other health issues) where strategies can be developed to cure the problem. Permanent memory loss can be slowed down with treatment. Like other medical issues, early intervention is key to optimize the outcome.

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