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Breaking the News

on March 17, 2014

Breaking the news to a parent that it is time to move from their home into an assisted living facility is one of the most difficult tasks according to most of the families we meet. While some individuals welcome the benefits of living into a senior community, many fear their loss of independence and are not ready to face their inability to care for themselves. We have seen many approaches, and just as individual personalities and situations vary, so do the successful ways in breaking the news.

It is helpful to bring up the idea on several occasions. Mom or Dad will likely resist at the first mention of assisted living, but may warm up to the thought over time. We recommend that you do some research before bringing up the subject. Pre-screen a few communities you think would fit Mom or Dad’s needs. Then, talk to them about their preferences for living arrangements and explore options together. Most communities have web sites where you can take a “virtual tour.” Check out the community’s reputation with their licensing agency, the local Ombudsman’s office and the Alzheimer’s Association. Once you have selected a few, make an appointment for a tour and bring your parent with you. By encouraging their participation, they will become more invested in the idea. Once your parent learns about their living arrangements, activities and comforts of care, they may look forward to moving.

Decorate their new room or apartment before the move. Many communities will encourage bringing bedding, furniture, pictures, and memorabilia. Familiar belongings will trigger feelings of comfort and security. Do not bring valuables or items that you won’t mind getting misplaced or damaged.

Perhaps your parent is very stubborn and absolutely refuses to talk about the idea of moving into assisted living. The idea may become more acceptable if it is based on the recommendation of a trusted doctor. Further, constantly reassure your parent that you and other family members will remain involved in their life, and follow through on that promise.

We definitely do not recommend dropping off them for “lunch,” moving their belongings into their bedroom while they are dining and making a quick get-away. We have witnessed this approach and it always results in a great deal of emotional trauma. Residents of assisted living facilities do not give up their personal rights, and cannot be prevented from leaving if they absolutely refuse to stay there.

Respite care is an option to temporarily try assisted living. Just as a daunting task can be more manageable by breaking it down into smaller steps, respite care allows an individual to stay for a few days, or up to a month, to see if it is the right environment. In our experience, many residents want to stay longer, once they get settled in.

In other cases, the individual’s impaired mental capacity prevents them from being actively involved in the decision making. Many of the same recommendations apply for those with dementia, plus:

  • Carefully research communities and select one which has a dementia program.
  • Speak with the staff about your parent’s background and any special needs.
  • Make the move during their best time of day when they are calmest.
  • Stay positive – your attitude is infectious. Do not communicate any feelings of guilt or anxiety.
  • Provide constant reassurance that Mom or Dad is in a safe place.

 

 

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